I was sitting around the back porch enjoying the cool springtime air and trying to solve the world’s problems with a buddy. Eventually, as it more often than not does, talk turned to the current presidential administration. “How can they,” (it’s always ‘they’) “elect that clown? Twice!” Six months after the election and he’s still bummed.
And he has a lot of company.
Unfortunately, angry Facebook posts and whining to your significant other won’t reverse the decision of the electoral college and the millions of registered voters they allegedly represent. Trust me, I’ve tried . The American people have spoken, even though they spoke in a mix of metaphors, Bruce Springsteen song snippets, and Alec Baldwin quotes. I believe it’s time for a tangible, outward, positively futile and stupid gesture on somebody’s part. And that somebody is me.
I’m invading Cuba.
Because I’m not much of a writer, and Top Ten lists are the literary equivalent of finger painting, I’ve decided to plead my case David Letterman style…….
TOP TEN REASONS TO INVADE CUBA:
1 WEATHER Cuba is warm and sunny. I learned this via Google Maps so you know it’s legit. Sure, there are other failed nations out there ready to be reshaped into a sanctuary for democracy, but who wants to live in a desert like Iraq or Afghanistan? If we’re going to invade a country let’s at least be able to do a little surfing.
2 CIGARS Cuban cigars are the envy of the world, but you wouldn’t know that because the good old U.S of A. won’t allow them to be imported on account of they are commies and we’re still a little miffed at the whole Cuban Missile Crisis thing. But Cuban cigars are a ready made export and with a little marketing and a pro-democratic shadow government in place we Americano revolutionaries will be more than able to suck the last little bit of disposable income from our cousins to the North. Credit cards, silver, and gold happily accepted. Stuff those greenbacks where the sun don’t shine.
3 FAILED STATE The annual income of the average Cuban is something in the neighborhood of twelve cents. The standard of living sucks, the army uses flintlock rifles , and nobody but Fidel Castro can afford to smoke their own cigars. There is no place to go but up for our Cuban brethren and with very little effort we could get that annual income up to, say, twenty cents. No problemo.
4 FIDEL CASTRO He smokes all of the cigars. He makes everybody play baseball. And he looks like Frank Burns on Tom Hanks’ Castaway island. Let him take Bud Seleig’s spot as MLB commissioner.
5 SUGAR It’s sweet. It’s a cash crop. And millions of Americans can’t live without it. It’s nature’s crack and the Cubans grow a ton of it. Sugar is an ATM without a pin number.
6 CIGARETTE BOATS Sonny Crockett made the ninety mile trip from Miami to Havana in like, thirty minutes. Wouldn’t you like to try that? With dual citizenship all things are possible!
7 BEACHES Not the Bette Midler kind. Clean, clear and Spring Break free. Open a taco stand or just bring a towel and soak it up!
8 POLLUTION There is none. No factories ‘cause nobody wants to give their hard earned dough back to The Man. No cars ‘cause nobody can afford ‘em. It’s a Greenpeace paradise!
9 THE LOCALS Everybody hates Castro but nobody has the guns to take him down. However, there are more than enough weapons here in the States to do the job- at least for the time being. Heck, there are more guns in North Louisiana than there are in all of Cuba! And once my invasion plan is put into place we’ll take Cuba without firing a shot anyway.
10 THE USSR There isn’t one anymore. That pesky nuclear option is nothing but a distant memory.
Convinced? Not yet? What if I told you I have a plan? I call it……..
Revolutions are bloody, lengthy and tend to fill one side or the other with all kinds of hate and resentment, usually resulting in the loser’s genocide by the victors (See Nazi Germany, Rwanda, Soviet Union, et al.) Operation Orthopod will democratize Cuba without the bloodshed or the burden of wearing camouflage using the two greatest symbols of American awesomeness: orthodontics and portable electronic devices.
Phase one: “A Teams” of specially trained orthodontists will parachute behind enemy lines and wreak havoc, installing braces and retainers on a suitably grateful populace. Hearts and minds with straight teeth.
Phase two: At secure locations throughout North America agents will collect older generation IPhones, IPods, IPads, Kindles, and other super cool gadgets that we’ve outgrown and covertly smuggle them into Cuba. The natives will be so enamored and awed with our technological prowess that they will willingly allow our invading forces to storm the beaches in the fervent hope that we will spread the gospel of Steve Jobs to the lost and WiFi deprived peoples of Latin America’s last communist stronghold. Should take about thirty minutes.
Once we have established a stronghold, kicked out the commies, caught some rays, smoked a few cigars and put up cell phone towers, then the real work will begin. Currency will be gold, silver and ITunes downloads. The “federal government” will consist of a President (for ribbon cutting ceremonies), a Vice President (in case the President oversleeps), and a Secretary of Defense (Chuck Norris- no discussion needed.) All requests for government aid will be handled by Mr. Norris, drastically cutting the amount of aid given as well as aid requested (“Mr. Norris can I have a few bucks ‘cause I’ve been feeling kind of depressed and can’t really work…….? Roundhouse kick to the head. “Request denied.”) Should a country try to invade us, each citizen will simply reach under the bed and pull out their government issued automatic weapon, dig a foxhole on the beach and fire away- Lexington and Concord style. Exports will be cigars, sugar, rum and awesomeness.
Now, you’re probably thinking “Didn’t America promise not to invade Cuba when the Soviets took out the missiles back in ’61?” Why yes, Sparky, they did. Don’t let it trouble you. We aren’t acting as Americans. We are acting as democratic revolutionaries of a decidedly non nationalistic nature. And besides, your government quit thinking of you as Americans a loooong time ago.
Viva la revolucion, y’all!!
Ready to join the revolution? Comment below. Leave your “Special Forces” nickname, weapons preference, and preferred MOS (that’s your speciality- demolitions, dentistry, ipad screen replacement, whatever.) Then sign up to receive blog updates. When it’s time to cross the Gulf and storm the beaches of Havanna, I’ll give you a call.