I went to the gym yesterday. Normally I work out in a closet. But today I came out of the closet because I also have a gym membership and because my HMO gives a .006% discount on premiums if I can prove I have a gym membership so I pay and sometimes I go but I’m not going back for a while.
My biggest problem with gyms is that people go to them. People who I would gladly reimburse their membership fee if they would just stay away. People like…
1) The Camper
He’s on the bench when you get there. He’s on the bench while you are coming up with alternate methods to work your chest. He’s on the bench when you leave. Guess where he’ll be when you come back tomorrow? He does his three sets in twelve hours and wonders why he can’t get bigger. Like a mafia don at a social club he stays there all day and appears to do nothing.
2) The Preener
Stands in front of the mirror flexing, stretching, and adjusting his biker shorts. Problem is he does this between you and the mirror so you have a first class view of his overdeveloped glutes. Preen at home. I’m sure you have a house FULL of mirrors.
3) The Circuit Jerk
Also known as the Time Traveler because he can be in three places at once- like the bench, the squat rack and the lat pull machine. Won’t let you work in because he’s “only resting 30 seconds between sets.” That’s 90 seconds before you need it again, dude!
4) The Greasy Spoon
It’s gym-tan-laundry. It is NOT tan-gym-laundry for a reason. Bathes in tanning accelerator and activator, oils up then lotions up. Then lays down on a bench that I will be using right after him. The next time I hydroplane off a bench because it’s coated with a layer of Exxon Valdez I’m grabbing a lighter and seeing if that goop is flame retardant.
5) The Masochist
We get it. You lift heavy. Pushing yourself to the limit. You are not being disembowled. Please don’t scream like you are.
6) The Sadist
Just because you have an email stating that you passed the online certification course for personal training doesn’t mean you have found the Rosetta Stone of buffitude. Make a 48 year old woman with no weight training experience languish through a 32 set upper body workout and she’ll grow. Or she’ll die. As long as the check clears, right?
7) The Gym Sitter
I know you are crazy busy. Husband. Job. Four kids. No time for yourself. But maybe you should join a gym that has child care because this one don’t. Throwing your kids in a corner with an IPad while you do an hour on the treadmill doesn’t qualify as hands on parenting. And please when I say something to you about your child’s inability to hit the water containing portion of the toilet bowl in a consistent manner don’t act condescending. I have kids too. I just leave ’em in the car with the windows cracked.
Now I know why nobody wants to come out of the closet.