My Kindergarden Commencement Address


Why do we have Kindergarden graduation? To me it’s as plain as a yellow stained nap mat- to give Kindergarden teachers an extra week of summer vacation. However, if we are going to play in to the fantasy that Kindergarden is worthy of all the pomp and circumstance then the pee wees should get their own keynote speaker. So, without further ado…

“Thank you principal McVicker for that wonderful introduction, as well as that lovely meal of Chicken Dinosaurs and apple slices. If I’d have known that talking to five year olds meant having to eat like one I would have held out for 8th grade commencement.
The pressures placed on you by society, my tiny friends, will only grow as you age. I thought of relating witty anecdotes based on my encyclopedic knowledge of the Disney Channel, but

Image representing iPhone as depicted in Crunc...
Image via CrunchBase

 I believe that at this critical moment in your development you are yearning for something more. Therefore, let me give you some advice from a world weary, jaded and slightly overweight fellow traveler on Spaceship Earth.

Smart phones are the devil. If you have one right now it’s too late for you- weaning you off would be like doing rehab in a meth lab. The rest of you are right now being crushed under the weight of peer pressure to ask Santa Claus for an IPhone 6- or whatever number they’re up to now. Don’t. It’s a scientific fact that smart phone users lead the nation in obesity, heart disease, failed relationships and self portraits taken in front of bathroom mirrors. While we’re at it, ditto for television and game consoles. Except for the selfies though I’m sure Bill Gates and the Sony people are working on it.

If you want to predict what the priorities of American society will be then listen to rap music. This is due to the fact that a) black kids are cool and b) white kids will do anything to be cool. When I first began listening to rap music all Eric B and Rakim, Slick Rick, et al talked about was competing to be the best rapper. That gave rise to the hyperactive competitiveness of the .com bubble and Gordon Gekko. Now, Kanye and the rest talk about clothes, having more money than Davy Crockett, and various foreign hand made sports cars. I predict this will lead to an influx of Gap and Saab franchises in the very near future. You have been warned.

English: Slick Rick performing with Doug E. Fr...

English: Slick Rick performing with Doug E. Fresh live in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Don’t go to college. A college degree leading to a well paying job is just as much a myth as the 0% interest credit card. Colleges want you to believe that they are the gatekeepers to the American dream so that you or your parents will take out loans or start savings accounts to pay for your education. This will leave you and your parents, er, cosigners, with a six figure debt and a monthly nut bigger than their mortgage. You will not be able to pay, of course, because in four years, maybe more, you will graduate with a degree in something that interested you only to find that the people that are interviewing you got their degree in general studies from the University of Phoenix and had an uncle that plays poker with the assistant Vice President of Field Operations. Get a poker app for that smart phone you are probably going to get anyway and give it to your uncle NOW- while there’s still time. Split any winnings with him 50-50 and use the money to purchase your own charter deep sea fishing boat. But don’t go to college.

Don’t buy a house. If you are ever lucky enough to snag a job that pays a living wage a mortgage will suck up 1/3 of your take home pay. Add in the hours of leisure lost to yard work and cleaning toilet paper out of trees and the whole deal is a non-starter. Rent an apartment, call the maintenance guy when the toilet backs up, and bail on the lease when you find something better. Apartment leases only exist to allow community college law school grads the ability to pay their parents back for their student loans, so it’s O.K.

Run for public office as soon as possible. An elected official is the only person in civilized society that determines their own salary. They have no real definable responsibilities, no burden of expectations because they are universally believed to be learning impaired, and as long as they aren’t arrested AND imprisoned during their term of office are almost always re-elected. As an experiment, go home today, write your name on a piece of poster board, fashion it into a sign, and place it in your front yard. Be patient, maintain the sign as needed, and wait until the next election cycle. I will almost guarantee you will be elected to something. You’re welcome.

In closing, let me condense my remarks into one easily memorized sentence:

Adults are just as stupid as you, only with more body hair.

Please treat them accordingly.

Good night, Cleveland!”


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