I’ve actually been doing stuff….

While I haven’t been updating the blog as much as I’d like, life hasn’t been all Doritos and napping on the couch.  I’m writing a series of articles for the football booster club at my kid’s school.  If you run out of GOOD stuff to read, check me out here: 

http://www.calvarytouchdownclub.org/

 

Sports, especially football, and the kids I coach and watch play are a special passion of mine.  I hope you enjoy reading the articles as much as I enjoy writing them.

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“I’m Not a Mind Reader, But I Did Go to Pharmacy School.”

METH

What they say:

“Don’t give me the generic pain medication. It makes me sick. I want the brand name.”

What I hear:

“Hello, moron. Let me start off our patient-pharmacist relationship by stating that despite the fact that you went to school for seven years I believe you are an idiot. There are thousands of studies done by really smart scientists as well as the FDA showing there is absolutely no difference in quality between brand name medications and generic ones. I know you have not read any of those studies, if you indeed know how to read, because you are lazy and have no interest at all in expanding your knowledge of your profession. If you were really smart you would be like me. My back was “injured” as the result of a traffic accident during which, after a six pack or four, I ran a red light and was broadsided by a Wal-Mart delivery vehicle. But don’t worry about me, my lawyers say I’ll be fine. Meanwhile I supplement my income by “donating” my pain medication to needy individuals in the community in exchange for goods, services or cash. Mainly cash. Do not judge me- I provide a valuable service. Because I pay nothing for my medication because my lawyers say I don’t have to then my little enterprise is 100% profit. My clients are, shall we say, resistant to change, and the brand name medication has only one color and shape. With generics I never know what the pill will look like- and that’s bad for business. So just count to 30, or 120 or whatever my prescription is for, put the tablets in a bottle and try not to drool on yourself. I’ve got money to make.”

If She’s 70 and Wearing A Tanktop, Make No Attempt At Waxing Philosophical

She thrusts a mostly intact prescription order in my face.

Her:     Will it take very long to fill this prescription?

Me:     That’s one of life’s imponderables, isn’t it?  Speaking strictly in evolutionary terms, filling your prescription won’t even take a fraction of an eye blink.  However, relevant to your present condition the duration may in fact feel to you much, much longer.  I believe Einstein explained it best when discussing his Theory of Relativity- when kissing a pretty girl, an hour seems like a minute.  When in the dentist chair, a minute seems like an hour.  Unfortunately, the mitigating factors in fulfilling your request- third party issues, quantity of medication requested, current staffing levels and availability, the possibility of equipment failure, even sudden weather occurrences- prevent me from answering your question with any sort of confidence.

Her:     I didn’t understand a word you just said.

Me:     I know you didn’t.

Don’t Follow an Overachiever Into His Wine Cellar.

Overachievers take everything personally.  It’s not our fault.  We aren’t talented enough for people to waste their time motivating us and we usually aren’t bright enough to motivate ourselves by traditional methods, like the love of money, or fame, or the appropriation of really cool clothes.  Overachievers, however, tend to have active imaginations and we use that to mentally pick fights with the entire world.  Consequently we look mad a lot.  It’s not an act.  Catch us at the right moment and you’re liable to be on the receiving end of a tirade akin to a delusional psychotic screaming through your dirty windshield while he’s giving it a spit shine at a red light.  Don’t take it personal- we’re just trying to find that extra gear.

WINDOW

Done correctly we’re Michael Jordan, windmill dunking over a world of non-believers.

JORDAN

Taken too far we’re Montresor in The Cask of Amontillado.

CASK

For the love of God, indeed.

My Kindergarden Commencement Address

IMG_0244

Why do we have Kindergarden graduation? To me it’s as plain as a yellow stained nap mat- to give Kindergarden teachers an extra week of summer vacation. However, if we are going to play in to the fantasy that Kindergarden is worthy of all the pomp and circumstance then the pee wees should get their own keynote speaker. So, without further ado…

“Thank you principal McVicker for that wonderful introduction, as well as that lovely meal of Chicken Dinosaurs and apple slices. If I’d have known that talking to five year olds meant having to eat like one I would have held out for 8th grade commencement.
The pressures placed on you by society, my tiny friends, will only grow as you age. I thought of relating witty anecdotes based on my encyclopedic knowledge of the Disney Channel, but

Image representing iPhone as depicted in Crunc...
Image via CrunchBase

 I believe that at this critical moment in your development you are yearning for something more. Therefore, let me give you some advice from a world weary, jaded and slightly overweight fellow traveler on Spaceship Earth.

Smart phones are the devil. If you have one right now it’s too late for you- weaning you off would be like doing rehab in a meth lab. The rest of you are right now being crushed under the weight of peer pressure to ask Santa Claus for an IPhone 6- or whatever number they’re up to now. Don’t. It’s a scientific fact that smart phone users lead the nation in obesity, heart disease, failed relationships and self portraits taken in front of bathroom mirrors. While we’re at it, ditto for television and game consoles. Except for the selfies though I’m sure Bill Gates and the Sony people are working on it.

If you want to predict what the priorities of American society will be then listen to rap music. This is due to the fact that a) black kids are cool and b) white kids will do anything to be cool. When I first began listening to rap music all Eric B and Rakim, Slick Rick, et al talked about was competing to be the best rapper. That gave rise to the hyperactive competitiveness of the .com bubble and Gordon Gekko. Now, Kanye and the rest talk about clothes, having more money than Davy Crockett, and various foreign hand made sports cars. I predict this will lead to an influx of Gap and Saab franchises in the very near future. You have been warned.

English: Slick Rick performing with Doug E. Fr...

English: Slick Rick performing with Doug E. Fresh live in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Don’t go to college. A college degree leading to a well paying job is just as much a myth as the 0% interest credit card. Colleges want you to believe that they are the gatekeepers to the American dream so that you or your parents will take out loans or start savings accounts to pay for your education. This will leave you and your parents, er, cosigners, with a six figure debt and a monthly nut bigger than their mortgage. You will not be able to pay, of course, because in four years, maybe more, you will graduate with a degree in something that interested you only to find that the people that are interviewing you got their degree in general studies from the University of Phoenix and had an uncle that plays poker with the assistant Vice President of Field Operations. Get a poker app for that smart phone you are probably going to get anyway and give it to your uncle NOW- while there’s still time. Split any winnings with him 50-50 and use the money to purchase your own charter deep sea fishing boat. But don’t go to college.

Don’t buy a house. If you are ever lucky enough to snag a job that pays a living wage a mortgage will suck up 1/3 of your take home pay. Add in the hours of leisure lost to yard work and cleaning toilet paper out of trees and the whole deal is a non-starter. Rent an apartment, call the maintenance guy when the toilet backs up, and bail on the lease when you find something better. Apartment leases only exist to allow community college law school grads the ability to pay their parents back for their student loans, so it’s O.K.

Run for public office as soon as possible. An elected official is the only person in civilized society that determines their own salary. They have no real definable responsibilities, no burden of expectations because they are universally believed to be learning impaired, and as long as they aren’t arrested AND imprisoned during their term of office are almost always re-elected. As an experiment, go home today, write your name on a piece of poster board, fashion it into a sign, and place it in your front yard. Be patient, maintain the sign as needed, and wait until the next election cycle. I will almost guarantee you will be elected to something. You’re welcome.

In closing, let me condense my remarks into one easily memorized sentence:

Adults are just as stupid as you, only with more body hair.

Please treat them accordingly.

Good night, Cleveland!”

Seven People You May See On the Side of a Milk Carton Very, Very Soon

I went to the gym yesterday. Normally I work out in a closet. But today I came out of the closet because I also have a gym membership and because my HMO gives a .006% discount on premiums if I can prove I have a gym membership so I pay and sometimes I go but I’m not going back for a while.

My biggest problem with gyms is that people go to them. People who I would gladly reimburse their membership fee if they would just stay away. People like…

1) The Camper

He’s on the bench when you get there. He’s on the bench while you are coming up with alternate methods to work your chest. He’s on the bench when you leave. Guess where he’ll be when you come back tomorrow? He does his three sets in twelve hours and wonders why he can’t get bigger. Like a mafia don at a social club he stays there all day and appears to do nothing.

2) The Preener

Stands in front of the mirror flexing, stretching, and adjusting his biker shorts. Problem is he does this between you and the mirror so you have a first class view of his overdeveloped glutes. Preen at home. I’m sure you have a house FULL of mirrors.

3) The Circuit Jerk

Also known as the Time Traveler because he can be in three places at once- like the bench, the squat rack and the lat pull machine. Won’t let you work in because he’s “only resting 30 seconds between sets.” That’s 90 seconds before you need it again, dude!

4) The Greasy Spoon

It’s gym-tan-laundry. It is NOT tan-gym-laundry for a reason. Bathes in tanning accelerator and activator, oils up then lotions up. Then lays down on a bench that I will be using right after him. The next time I hydroplane off a bench because it’s coated with a layer of Exxon Valdez I’m grabbing a lighter and seeing if that goop is flame retardant.

5) The Masochist

We get it. You lift heavy. Pushing yourself to the limit. You are not being disembowled. Please don’t scream like you are.

6) The Sadist

Just because you have an email stating that you passed the online certification course for personal training doesn’t mean you have found the Rosetta Stone of buffitude. Make a 48 year old woman with no weight training experience languish through a 32 set upper body workout and she’ll grow. Or she’ll die. As long as the check clears, right?

7) The Gym Sitter

I know you are crazy busy. Husband. Job. Four kids. No time for yourself. But maybe you should join a gym that has child care because this one don’t. Throwing your kids in a corner with an IPad while you do an hour on the treadmill doesn’t qualify as hands on parenting. And please when I say something to you about your child’s inability to hit the water containing portion of the toilet bowl in a consistent manner don’t act condescending. I have kids too. I just leave ’em in the car with the windows cracked.

Now I know why nobody wants to come out of the closet.

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It’s NOT World War Z- But It Doesn’t Suck

I don’t normally do movie reviews, usually because by the time I get around to seeing a movie it’s the 3AM show on TNT- but with World War Z I made an exception. The book is such a favorite of mine that I’ve bought it 3 times- I talk the book up to people, lend it to them to read, they keep it, and I lose patience and just go buy another copy. Next time I get it on Kindle.

Max Brooks’ book World War Z is to zombie fans what the Golden Corral chocolate fountain is to fat people. The fact that the book is so good is made obvious by the fact that they tried to make a bazillion dollar movie based on it. But if you are watching the movie and thinking “This is nothing like the book” then you are spot on. As best as I can tell the only similarities are the name of the movie and the name of the main character. The rest? Hollywood rewrites. Saying this movie is based on the book is like making a movie based on the Bible and having Noah build a Trans Am to escape a forrest fire, merging Moses, Samson, and Judas into one character and forgetting to mention Jesus altogether.

However, as summertime movie fare World War Z is fantastic. If you are looking for a zombie film to cut your teeth on or to introduce a newb to the genre I highly recommend it. Brad gets to be Brad, the zombies are scary enough without being gory, and the movie ends on an upbeat note. Exactly what you want from an action/adventure to beat the heat.

My only real complaint versus the movie is the lack of character development outside of Pitt’s character. Brooks was excellent at making you feel for his characters to the point that the zombie stuff was secondary, a plot device that provided a setting. The closest comparison in the movie was the captain in South Korea, and Brooks’ book is full of these- honorable people fighting against an impossible enemy they don’t fully understand and sacrificing themselves for the hope that those that come after will overcome and prevail. Pitt’s movie missed the chance to aspire to something better.

To sum up- go see it. Don’t read the book if you haven’t and enjoy the CGI. Later, read Max Brooks’ vision and be in awe of the greatest “book that’ll never be a movie” ever. And let me know what they should change the title of the movie to. I vote for…

Really Fast Zombies That Are Easy To Fool If You Have Ebola