“I’m Not a Mind Reader, But I Did Go to Pharmacy School.”


What they say:

“Don’t give me the generic pain medication. It makes me sick. I want the brand name.”

What I hear:

“Hello, moron. Let me start off our patient-pharmacist relationship by stating that despite the fact that you went to school for seven years I believe you are an idiot. There are thousands of studies done by really smart scientists as well as the FDA showing there is absolutely no difference in quality between brand name medications and generic ones. I know you have not read any of those studies, if you indeed know how to read, because you are lazy and have no interest at all in expanding your knowledge of your profession. If you were really smart you would be like me. My back was “injured” as the result of a traffic accident during which, after a six pack or four, I ran a red light and was broadsided by a Wal-Mart delivery vehicle. But don’t worry about me, my lawyers say I’ll be fine. Meanwhile I supplement my income by “donating” my pain medication to needy individuals in the community in exchange for goods, services or cash. Mainly cash. Do not judge me- I provide a valuable service. Because I pay nothing for my medication because my lawyers say I don’t have to then my little enterprise is 100% profit. My clients are, shall we say, resistant to change, and the brand name medication has only one color and shape. With generics I never know what the pill will look like- and that’s bad for business. So just count to 30, or 120 or whatever my prescription is for, put the tablets in a bottle and try not to drool on yourself. I’ve got money to make.”


If She’s 70 and Wearing A Tanktop, Make No Attempt At Waxing Philosophical

She thrusts a mostly intact prescription order in my face.

Her:     Will it take very long to fill this prescription?

Me:     That’s one of life’s imponderables, isn’t it?  Speaking strictly in evolutionary terms, filling your prescription won’t even take a fraction of an eye blink.  However, relevant to your present condition the duration may in fact feel to you much, much longer.  I believe Einstein explained it best when discussing his Theory of Relativity- when kissing a pretty girl, an hour seems like a minute.  When in the dentist chair, a minute seems like an hour.  Unfortunately, the mitigating factors in fulfilling your request- third party issues, quantity of medication requested, current staffing levels and availability, the possibility of equipment failure, even sudden weather occurrences- prevent me from answering your question with any sort of confidence.

Her:     I didn’t understand a word you just said.

Me:     I know you didn’t.